So, after I wrote my post on spanking, I decided to talk to my daughter about it.  She’s 8, so I feel like we can have some very thoughtful, productive conversations.  It’s probably important to note (if you didn’t read yesterday’s post), I don’t spank.  I don’t feel like it’s useful, helpful, or in my daughter’s best interest.  I’ve never really told her that, but she knows we don’t spank, so she’s clearly coming from a biased position.

Here’s kind of how our conversation went…

Me: So, Buddy, I wrote a little blog post today about spanking.  I thought it would be a good way to get people talking.  What do you think about spanking?  Is it a good way for parents to punish their kids?

Her (horrified look on her face):  No!  It’s a terrible way to punish your kids!!!  I mean, if a child is doing something bad or disobeying their parents, hitting them will just make them feel more angry and then they will want to misbehave more to get back at their parents!  Hitting a child makes them feel angry with their parents, like they can’t trust them.  And why would they want to obey a parent they can’t trust?

Me:  Wow…that’s a great observation.  I love hearing your thoughts on this!

Her:  And besides, we’re kids, so we’re going to make mistakes!  We’re still just trying to figure it all out, and it’s our parents’ job to help us, not hurt us.  Talking to us and teaching us always works better.

Me:  Hugging her tight.  Unable to speak because I’m choked up.

That’s a pretty interesting take from an 8-year-old, don’t you think?  I was kind of blown away, to be honest.  And proud.  Very, very proud. My daughter is a reasonable, thoughtful,  and articulate little human being.  I guess my strategy is working.

For today anyway.  Talk to me again when she’s 13!

I used to think spanking was an okay form of discipline.  I was spanked as a child (I don’t think it was too often, because I can remember specific incidents), and I turned out all right.  Well, at least I think so!

But lately, I’ve been thinking about spanking a bit more.  It may be because I have an extra-sensitive child who is humiliated if reprimanded, but I really don’t think it’s okay anymore.  As I’ve matured in my parenting skills and learned more about myself as a parent, I’ve discovered that spanking is much more about the parent than it is about the child.  It’s a sign of utter frustration, an impulsive display of anger, or a complete lack of knowing how to handle a situation, in my humble opinion.  Here’s a perfect example:

My mom and I took Real OC Daughter to Gymboree last week to exchange some clothes that didn’t fit.  We were waiting in line – a very long line, I might add – probably because it was the last day to use those coveted “Gym Bucks”.  Anyhow, frustrations were running high among the kids and parents.  Tension was definitely in the air.  The mom in front of us had two young children in a side-by-side stroller.  The younger brother (who was probably just under 2), kept swatting his older sister (about 3 years old) on the leg.  She tried to ignore it, but he kept on.  She asked him to stop, but he kept on.  The swats got harder and harder, until they were just downright open-handed slaps on her poor little thighs.  Normal sibling behavior, I understand, and luckily, something I never, ever deal with.  Finally, the little girl called out to her mom “he keeps hitting me!”.  The mom turned around, smacked the little boy on the arm, and said “We don’t hit.”.  For reals.

Talk about shock and awe!  I try not to judge other’s parenting styles, but really?  Gee, I wonder where he got the idea to hit?  Update:  It was pointed out to me by a reader that the boy probably didn’t “learn” the hitting from mom, but rather that hitting is an instinctual human reaction.  I must say, I agree there.  I guess what I’m getting at is that it’s our job, as parents, to teach our kids NOT to hit.  And by using the words “we don’t hit” while hitting, that’s probably not a very good teaching technique.

Now, I understand the mom may have been at the end of her rope.  Total frustration, exhaustion, whatever.  I don’t know anything about her or her life.  But I guess that’s just my point – that hit was much more about her than it was about her son.

As parents we frequently reach our breaking points.  But it’s up to us to be the adults, the better people, the good example.  I’m certainly not perfect – I will admit to swatting my daughter on the wrist once when I was exhausted and going through a very difficult time in my life (I felt horribly afterwards, by the way).  And when I look back on that incident, I realize how much better I could have handled it if I had gotten a handle on my own emotions first.

That being said, I don’t have a particularly “difficult” child when it comes to discipline.  I ask, and she does (usually).  Sometimes I have to ask twice, but very rarely a third time.  And there are things I can take away as punishment that would be far more effective – iPod, video game time, art supplies – just to name a few.  So maybe I’m just spouting off about something I know very little about.  But I believe, deep down, that if we take a pause to think about discipline rather than reacting in the moment, the punishment will be more meaningful than a slap.  There’s a reason it’s called “getting off with a slap on the wrist”, right?

As I finished up this post, I found this article and thought it was an interesting read.  It supports my theory that spanking isn’t okay, but for completely different reasons.  Makes perfect sense to me, though!

How about you?  Do you spank?  Do you feel it’s effective?

Do you make resolutions at the start of each year?  If so, how well do you keep them?  Or even remember them?

I find myself getting very introspective as the year comes to a close, thinking of all the unfinished projects, unspoken words, unreached goals. But for some reason, I don’t think about them until the end of the year.  Which makes it kind of tough to follow through on a resolution, right?

Maybe if I jotted down a few it would help.  Then I could go back and read them throughout the year to see how I’m doing…if I remember, that is!

So, here goes – my list of resolutions for 2012.

1.  Be a better listener.  Listen to my daughter laughing and my husband singing.  My thoughts and “chores” often interfere with my ability to listen what is going on around me, and I think I’m really missing out!  I want to be a more active listener to my family and friends.

2.  Live in the present.  This kind of goes along with #1.  I need to enjoy moments more, rather than letting my thoughts get in the way.  A wise doctor I saw this past year told me to take 5 minutes each morning and really savor and enjoy my hot shower, rather than standing there going through my mental to-do list.  It’s harder than it sounds!

3.  Exercise more regularly.  I go to the gym about 2 or 3 times a week, but it’s not enough.  I need more frequent, regular exercise.  It makes me a happier person all around.

4.  Hang up my clothes (if they’re clean) when I take them off at the end of the day.  I lay them on my vanity or the bench at the foot of our bed.  It’s just as easy to hang them, so why don’t I just do that?

5.  Try new cuisine.  I want to venture out into cooking more exotic foods – Indian, Japanese, South American.  Now that my daughter is a little older, she’s more adventurous about food.  Plus, what’s the worst that happens?  We all hate it and I whip up some grilled cheese sandwiches!

6.  Sit up straight.  I find myself slouching at my desk when I get into my work.  Not good for my back at all!

7.  Go on more dates with my husband.  He’s busy, I’m busy, our time together gets put on the back burner.  But regular dates are an important part of a strong marriage, so we need to make that a priority.

8.  Keep in touch.  I’m horrible at staying in touch with family and friends.  I’m going to make an effort to call someone I haven’t spoken to in awhile once every few weeks.  Or set up to meet for coffee to catch up in person!

9.  Decorate our Master Bedroom.  It’s the only room in our house that has been completely, totally ignored.  It’s tidy, but there is no personality in there.  I’m going to give myself a small but reasonable budget, and finally do something with our room.

10.  Honestly, I’m sitting here trying to think of a Number 10 resolution, just to have a list that feels “complete”.  And I just realized how silly that is.  If I’m done at #9, then I’m done, right?  So, no #10.  Or, maybe it’s just to stop being so darned particular.

This weekend, I plan on ringing in 2012 with good friends, at 9 pm (we’ll pretend that’s because of the kids), and being thankful for all that the new year has in store for me.  If I can keep any of my resolutions, that will be a first for me!  And if I don’t, well, I’m no worse off than I am right now, and right now, I’m pretty good.

Happy New Year from the Real OC Mom!

May 2012 be a year full of everything real and meaningful to you.

Real OC Daughter LOVES sweets – candy, cookies, cupcakes, ice cream, whatever.  If it’s sweet, she’s a big fan.  Can’t say I blame the girl, to be honest!

But now that she’s got palate expansion going on, as a pre-cursor to braces, there are a lot of candies that she just can’t have – gum, blow pops, tootsie rolls, milk duds, and anything else that’s sticky/gooey.

So for a girl who gets pretty fired up about the spoils of annual trick-or-treating, all those restrictions can be a bit of a drag.

As we were out and about, collecting candy, Real OC Daughter got a little misty-eyed at the prospect of not being able to enjoy so much of her loot.  She was pretty down about it, to be honest.

Enter the mom playbook.  This is why it’s handy to have lots of mommy friends, and read lots of mommy blogs!

I thought about my good friend whose daughter has a severe peanut allergy.  She goes trick-or-treating, so as not to miss out on the experience, but she gets to turn her candy in for prizes, since she can’t eat most of it.

“There’s my solution!”, I realized.  I quietly pulled her aside, and whispered to her that she could exchange any candy she couldn’t eat or didn’t want for a prize when we got home.

Her eyes lit up immediately – “A prize?  Wow!”.  She pondered that for a moment.

Then she asked, “Can I exchange my candy for a dog?”

Okay, maybe my plan wasn’t fool proof.  I probably should have given some examples.

We agreed on a decorate-your-own jewelry box kit, complete with stick-on jewels and glitter.  Not quite a dog, but it did encourage her to give up some of that candy!

Hope you had a wonderful Halloween!

Real OC Daughter as Susan, Queen of Narnia